Dr Dawson Read online

  “Yes, I ate loads.”

  How I wished I could pretend the cause for me fainting was something else. I couldn’t though because it was definitely a result from seeing the body of that girl.

  So what did that mean for me?

  Whatever it meant wasn’t good. Not at all. It just dawned on me that the body of that girl was the first dead person I’d seen since Lizzie. What if this was something else I had to deal with?

  Something I wouldn’t have thought of because it wasn’t relevant to me in the space of time I was recovering.

  “Did you get some sleep when you went home? I wonder if it could be exhaustion. You said you’ve been here a lot.”

  I pressed my lips together and exhaled. “I slept. I…” My voice trailed off.

  Was it a good idea to tell him what actually happened? Him, who had it in for me from day one? This morning was the nicest he’d been to me since that night at the bar. And he was here now sitting with me in his office where it was just us.

  “Paige, do you maybe have any medical issues I should know about?” Concern filled his eyes.

  Questions, questions. None of them anywhere close to what was really going on. Because at this stage in my career, and with years of medical training, no one would guess that I’d fainted at the sight of a dead body.

  “No, um…maybe it was exhaustion,” I heard myself say. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything else. Not the truth. Maybe I was exhausted. A few hours’ sleep couldn’t just fix nights of broken sleep. Maybe I’d exerted myself too much since I’d been here and this was the result.

  “Okay, well. For my own peace of mind if you don’t mind I’d like to get a few more tests done and then I’m going to recommend you go home for the day. I’ll cover your patients.”

  He was oddly being nice again. And that did sound like the very thing I needed. Time away from everyone and everything to get myself together.

  “Are you sure that would be okay?”

  “I’m not asking. That’s my recommendation. If you refuse and go fainting somewhere else I can’t guarantee it will be me who finds you.” He smirked.

  “Thank you. I appreciate it.”

  “I guess that shows I’m not always a prick, but don’t tell the others that.”

  I smiled, held up my right hand, and crossed my fingers together. “I swear I won’t.”

  His smile widened as he looked at my fingers. My silly gesture seemed to fascinate him.

  “Good. I’ll call you a taxi. Get some rest and get back here same time tomorrow. I need you on top form because we’ll be doing a lot of work. Everyone gets their own body tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll be eager to do more hands-on work.”

  I gave him a smile I didn’t feel and nodded. “I can’t wait.”

  Fear filled me as I spoke the words. Fear of tomorrow.

  I got home and slept right through until morning when the aroma of muffins woke me up.

  Kelly was in the kitchen baking and she even made me a hearty breakfast for which I was grateful. I was hoping today would be a better day. However, from the minute I got to the hospital, anxiety started filling me. It filled me more and more with every passing second and every step I took.

  I changed into my scrubs and made my way down to the lab. Just like yesterday, everyone was there. And just like Ryan said, they each had a body.

  He was at the head of the room telling everyone what to do.

  I took two steps into the lab and stopped. My gaze took in the scene around me. Ten tables with ten bodies. A little different than yesterday, but the same to me because they were all dead.

  Everything else phased out. My colleagues and Ryan.

  Everything blurred before me and suddenly my mind went right back to the accident.

  Lizzie and I had just pulled onto the intersection and that car came from nowhere. It was too late when I saw it. It was too late. She screamed and I tried to get my car out of the way.

  It all flashed before me like I was having an out-of-body experience. Like I was watching it happen and it was all part of some nightmare that took my sister from me.

  My throat tightened at the thought and memory.

  I clutched my throat and my heartbeat sped up so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Cold sweat ran down my face but it was so hot in there. Stifling. I couldn’t breathe.

  No…

  Not again.

  I could feel the start of a panic attack creeping up on me. I hadn’t had a panic attack in such a long time that I’d forgotten how to spot the first signs of one.

  The breathing and fear of my heart stopping was always what got me.

  “Paige.” Ryan rushed up to me as I stumbled.

  Dying. And death. Death was all around me. Bodies of people who used to be. Just like Lizzie.

  “Paige!” Ryan cried.

  “So much death.” I winced as the lightheadedness came for me again and then I was falling again into darkness.

  Chapter 7

  Paige

  I’m awake again and in his office.

  This time Ryan seemed almost more sympathetic. It was in his eyes.

  There was a sheen to them yesterday that showed a sense of lightheartedness.

  Today his eyes were filled with purpose. But the way you’d look when something was wrong.

  “Paige, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.” I sat up and tried to appear stronger than I felt in mind and body.

  “Yeah?”

  “Peachy. I can go back to the labs now.” Really? I must have hit my head when I fainted because the truth was I didn’t want to be anywhere near the labs at all.

  He raised a brow and ran a hand over his chin.

  “Not today Paige. You were out for two hours this time.” He looked at me like he knew what was wrong.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Maybe I’m more tired than I realized.”

  Now he smiled. “Tired? I don’t think that’s what’s going on here.”

  “It could be…I…”

  He straightened up in his chair; his shoulders seemed wider and more powerful. “Paige, it was seeing the bodies, wasn’t it?”

  The way he looked at me, holding my gaze with such an intensity, made it impossible to lie.

  “I haven’t seen one in a while, but I’ll be okay.”

  “Paige, this could be a problem.”

  “No, I’m fine I swear. It’s just been awhile and I need to get used to doing everything again.”

  “You…had a panic attack, and then you fainted,” he stated, sounding blunt. “It’s my responsibility to report any potential issues that may become a problem. Given what I know about you it would be wrong if I didn’t.”

  My heart squeezed. “What would that mean?”

  It was the first time he actually looked at me with some compassion. “If it’s a big problem you might not be able to continue in the program. We always try to make adjustments but not if something could be more damaging to you.”

  “It won’t be.” I didn’t know how I could say that because I didn’t know what was going on with me. “Please give me a chance. I lost a year of my life and so much more. I have to continue and try.”

  “Paige, have you considered that maybe you jumped back into this too soon? It’s hard. Everything is hard, and harder if there’s repressed emotions that could come out at any time.”

  I shook my head. “I never knew this would happen. I was fine. I was perfectly fine. I’ve done practical work hundreds of times and I was fine. This is just…”

  “The first since your accident?” he filled in.

  I nodded slowly. “Please, I can’t get kicked out of the program.” That would have been a nightmare to add to the current one.

  “Paige, my job is to help you. This feels like a bad move on my part because it’s clear you’re experiencing anxiety from the work. If it continues there will come a time when it wil
l be out of my hands.”

  “I’ll work on it,” I promised.

  “What, and just not faint?” He smiled again. “Not sure it works that way.”

  “I know. I just think I can be better. Tomorrow maybe.” I hoped like hell I could be. I really did.

  “Okay…let’s try this. You meet me here first before you venture down to the labs.”

  “You?” I had to admit I was a little surprised at the offer.

  “Yes. Come here first and we’ll go down together. It’s up to you if you want to come in for the early start or not. Next week I need you here early and on board.”

  I was nodding even before he finished. “Yes, absolutely. Sure, I understand.”

  “Cool.” He gave me a cautious stare. “Is there anything else I can do to help?”

  “No, you’ve been great. Thank you. I really am so sorry for this drama. I swear I’m more boring than this. Nothing tends to happen to me. I’ll bet I got everyone talking.”

  “They were concerned.”

  He knew about my accident. I wondered if the others knew too. Lizzie was famous after all. She was known by many and I looked like her.

  “I hate that I interrupted the class again.”

  “Don’t worry about that, I had someone cover for me so the class could continue without us. Do you need to talk or…I don’t know…see someone?”

  “Like my therapist?”

  “Yeah, I hope you don’t think I’m being rude in suggesting it. But if this is a problem and you want to continue with the placement it may be worth seeing your therapist if you need to.”

  I nodded. “Yes, I agree, and I don’t think you’re rude. I will totally see my therapist if I need to.” I didn’t want to because that would probably mean medication again, which I hated. Medication might affect my work here.

  “Okay. Sounds like we have a plan.” He nodded. “Maybe third time’s the charm?”

  “Yes.” I gave him a smile similar to the one I faked yesterday. One I didn’t feel.

  ***

  Third time?

  I couldn’t even wish for a maybe.

  I didn’t sleep last night. I was too afraid of today, of what might happen to me.

  I worried about it all night and got to the hospital exhausted.

  Of all the days when I should have felt exhaustion, I never felt it like today. Tiredness, yes. But not like if I didn’t get sleep I’d fade away.

  I got to Ryan’s office in good time and he was ready to go.

  “Feeling better today?” he asked with a bright smile as he locked his office door.

  “Yes,” I answered, a little too quickly. “I’m much better thank you.”

  “Good, that’s good.”

  We started walking down the corridor leading to the labs in the basement. We were just on the apex across from the morgue and the labs with the cadavers.

  It wouldn’t have bothered me before—in fact, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind—but I didn’t know how he seemed so at home with his office so close to all that death.

  “Paige, today is going to look a little similar to yesterday. Everyone will be at their own tables. I’ll be with you the whole time. You missed the last two days so I’m going to go over everything. We’re just practicing how to do incisions. That’s all.”

  “Incisions. I can do that.” At one point I could have done it with my eyes closed. I knew the body by heart. “I always try for a clean cut. I know it doesn’t matter but I think of the scarring after. The way you cut is so important.”

  “That is exactly my thing. I think about scarring too. When you get to actually work on a live person you just want the best for them. That’s why I wanted to spend time with my students on this part. It’s all about crafting, like a painting, and you want to be precise.”

  I nodded, agreeing, then we turned the corner to the lab and my movements slowed.

  He looked back to me and noticed I’d slowed down.

  I had slowed to a stop and stared ahead to the doors that awaited us to go in. They were just ahead at the end of the corridor.

  I stared on, fear gripping me.

  Then a warm hand covered mine. I looked down and saw Ryan holding my hand. The gesture reached into my mind and snapped me away from the fear. It was only for a few seconds but the temporary distraction gave me strength.

  With a reassuring smile he tugged on my hand.

  When my legs moved, I thought maybe I’d be okay. He was holding my hand and I felt like I could be okay.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Don’t worry about it. Just don’t tell the others I do any hand-holding.” He chuckled. That made me smile.

  “I hate blood,” he suddenly said.

  I glanced at him, surprised to hear that. “You do?”

  He smirked. “I hate it. I fainted in med school. I was that person who fainted at the sight of blood. Can you imagine it? I went to Pittsburgh and most of my friends from school knew me as the jock who was captain of the football team. The day came to get down to serious business in college and I just caved at the sight of so much blood. There was no warning, I just went down.”

  “How did you cope?”

  “Think of it as ketchup.” He smiled. “I love ketchup. I wanted to be a surgeon more than anything. So bad I turned down a football scholarship to Columbia and Northwest, and so bad I turned down several scouts. So I had to sort out the blood problem. Couldn’t let it stop me. Mind over matter.” He nodded, releasing my hand and gesturing ahead. We were at the door. I’d gotten lost in our conversation and didn’t realize how close we’d gotten.

  I looked in and saw everyone and they were looking at me too. Some with smiles on their faces. Others with curious looks. Them with their bodies on the table. The bodies.

  I gripped on to Ryan’s hand tighter.

  “Mind over matter, Paige,” he repeated. “Think back to when you first saw one of these. You knew they were just bodies. Not the people they used to be.”

  I was trying. I was trying so hard but my heart started racing, my throat tightening again. Just like yesterday.

  So much death all around me. I couldn’t be around it.

  I clutched my hand to my heart and started panting. At least this time I didn’t faint. I got past that part.

  I sucked in a sharp breath and started heading back the way we’d come. Tears streamed down my cheeks. Hot tears that started pouring the faster my heart beat.

  He came after me and took hold of my shoulders.

  “Paige—“

  “I can’t do it!” I cried shaking my head. “Oh my God. I can’t do it. I can’t.” I couldn’t believe this was happening. I broke down crying from everything I’d had bottled up within.

  “It’s okay. Come here,” he said, pulling me into his arms where I continued to cry.

  I couldn’t believe the one thing I had going for me was being taken away.

  Where did I begin to fix this?

  Chapter 8

  Ryan

  When I started out this training year I had very specific goals I’d wanted to achieve.

  Last year was different. One because I didn’t take anything seriously and two because I’d only acted as a support system to the actual mentors at the time. It was a test I gave myself to see how I’d fair out in the real world of having junior doctors under me looking to me for more than support.

  I never knew that this year would sure as fuck put me to the test.

  I also never knew that the gorgeous blonde woman who’d managed to bamboozle me from the get-go would be the test.

  When she calmed down I took her upstairs to the staff restaurant.

  I hated this place and thanks to Cameron, one of my asshole friends, I always had visions of them cooking the stew from people parts. He’d said the meat tasted weird and since he grew up on a farm he would know what real meat tasted like.

  Since the day he put that
image in my head I tended to avoid the restaurant as much as possible. Especially on stew days.

  Like today. Today couldn’t be helped, however. It was either here or outside somewhere which I would have suggested if we weren’t in our scrubs.

  I ordered Paige a croissant and a hot chocolate, the safe foods I would have normally gotten for myself.

  As I watched her nibble on the croissant I knew what the best course of action was regarding her. I just didn’t have the heart to do it.

  It was simple. I needed to recommend that she defer her placement for at least another three months. We did that here because of the summer placement. I should also recommend that she seek medical advice and see a therapist, someone trained to deal with the issues she was facing.

  Not me.

  Not me at all, and the duty of care lay with me to eradicate a risk before it happened.

  Yesterday was what got to me. Her insisting she’d be okay and worried over her placement. Which meant asking for my help.

  I was in enough trouble as it was. Did I need this?

  “How are you feeling Paige?” I asked.

  She shook her head and didn’t answer. She just stared at the food now and reached on the band holding up her ponytail. Her hair tumbled down her shoulders and I knew that wasn’t meant to look sexy but it did.

  She placed her hand to her forehead and elbow on the table as she rubbed her temples. Another tear ran down her cheek.

  I reached forward and tapped her hand.

  She glanced up at me, her usually bright green eyes brimmed with more tears.

  Telling her my story about my dislike for blood was supposed to help. I quickly saw from her reaction to being in the lab with the cadavers that in comparison to my issue with blood, and her…whatever it was that was happening to her…were very different.

  “It’s not fair of me to put you in this position. It’s not your problem,” she said wiping away another tear.

  “And yet I’m here.” I was trying and doing what I thought was best.

  She gave me a weak smile. “Ryan…can I call you Ryan?”

  “Of course. If you didn’t notice I’ve been calling you Paige pretty much since the other day.” I couldn’t remember the last time I referred to her as Dr. Taylor.